HOW TO KNOW THE MAN YOU SHOULD NOT MARRY

 THE MARRIAGE CHECKLIST FOR A YOUNG WOMAN

WHAT SHOULD A WOMAN LOOK FOR IN A MAN BEFORE SAYING YES?

It is not easy to say I do to a man you barely know, and of a truth, all men are not the same. There are good men out there looking for good women, and there are also men out there that you should stay away from by all means. What then should be the criteria of your background check on the man you want to marry?

1. Who is he? How can you describe him to a sane relation? This is not where you think he is this or that, you have to be sure who he is because that is what you are going to marry. Put aside all sentiments and look for facts about the man. Do not say it does not matter, in marriage, everything matters; for you do not know what tomorrow will bring. A lot of young women have little or no information on the man they are with, but they still appear very comfortable in the relationship. you should be bold enough to ask the right questions on what you need to know, and if he feels you don't have the right to know, then it might be the right time to take a break.

2. Does he have the ability to handle marriage responsibilities? While catching cruise, it might be better to know where the cruise is leading to. How responsible is this man? Is he the kind of man that will run away and leave you when the storms of life arise? Can he stand by you in good times and in difficult situations? Is he just one fun lover or fun seeker? Or that butterfly that will abandon the flowers when the nectar is gone?

3. Does he keep/honour his word? One man you cannot take seriously is that man that cannot keep to his word or promises. There are many smooth talkers out there who will promise you heaven and earth, but when the chips are down, they are nowhere to be found. In the multitude of words, there is no lacking of sin; a man who goes about making promises, even the ones he knows he will not keep is a dangerous man, be careful of such. When you start with dating a chronic liar, do not expect he is going to be any different afterwards.

4. What are his goals in life? What does this man seek to achieve in life apart from having a job and filling the stomach? What does he want with you? Some men will get angry when you ask serious questions so you can know where you stand and what next to do, but that is not enough for you to stay quiet and follow sheepishly. An aimless man is going to leave you a very confused woman, because you will never know what he wants or how you are suppose to support him. A man who has not yet discovered his purpose in life is not yet ready for marriage. It is after a man has discovered his purpose that he will look for an help meet for him in the course of his purpose. If you marry a man who has not yet discovered his purpose, you may end up as enemies when you don’t seem to support his new found dream; or you may tag along all your life feeling unfulfilled. Some dreams take time to manifest; so that does not mean he cannot take a job to pay his bills and still follow his dreams.

5. Are they result oriented goal or mere schemes? There is this other set of people who tell you what their goals are in life, and they are just laughable. Be careful of smooth talkers and deceivers who will tell you how they will buy the whole world tomorrow and yet cannot explain how they hope to achieve that. If he cannot explain himself, he is probably lying. There is a lot of laziness enshrined in big fat dreams, do not be fooled by such, those who cannot take proper care of today are not fit or ready to take tomorrow.

6. Is he organized or a confused person? If he is disorganized or confused, he might be a good man, but he is in no way ready for a serious relationship or marriage. You cannot add the responsibilities of marriage to an already disorganized or confused man, he will simply break down. When you are making out with a man who is not yet stable morally or financially, then you should be ready to handle some of the responsibilities for the time being or give him a break to fix himself properly. You can help him to put his life together as a friend, maybe someday you may be together, but please do not rush him into marriage.

7. Is he working on his goals? Do you understand what goals he is talking about? A man who tells you of his fanciful ideas and fantastic goals and yet is not doing anything year after year to move himself towards the attainment of those goals is a joker. Be careful with unserious men, they will likely leave you broken and confused when challenges appear. The beauty life and companionship is the journey that two people make from one point of their lives to another; in marriage you do not get stuck on a man, rather, you take a pleasant journey together to the real of a better life.

8. Does he have earning ability? You cannot seriously marry a man or woman who is still feeding from the droppings of his father’s or mother’s pocket. If he has a training, or he can work, encourage him to get a job and watch if he can keep a job and manage his earnings; this is how you will know what your standard of living will be like in your new family after you are married. If he does not have the requisite training or skills that he can use to get a job which pay can settle your bills, encourage him to get one and nothing serious should take place between you.

9. Where is he from? A seed when it has grown would resemble the tree from which it fell. Sometimes you can take Alaye out of the ghetto, but you may not be able to take the ghetto out of Alaye. Know his root and who they are and be sure you can live with it. No cockroach can be innocent in the gathering of fowls. There are patterns that keep repeating amongst a particular people, know what they are and how that might affect you or your marriage in future. There are certain tribes that believe that a man has not yet married until he has married a woman from their tribe. If you are not from such tribe and you don't believe in polygamy, then you may look elsewhere for a mate.

10. Who are his people? He might be a nice man from among hell. There will be battles in marriage, but do not marry into battle. If he has family battles, help him if you can with prayers, but do not rush into the battle front, let him sort himself out. If his people do not like you, there is no offense, walk away or be sure he can protect you from his people. do not make home where you are not wanted, you will not always be awake and strong. Some people can wait for as long as it will take for you to take a nap or experience some weakness in other to carry out what they had planned out for years.

11. How does he treat his family? The way a man treats his family is likely the way he will treat your family and you eventually. A man that does not have the blessings of his father or mother is a potential disaster, if he does not want to see his family, be sure you know why and you confirm that he is saying the truth of the matter. If the issues are what can be sorted out, do that before the marriage or you will be treated as a culprit. Nobody knows tomorrow, you cannot marry a man and not need his family.

12. Who are his friends? The kind of persons he relates with will tell you a bit about him, but not all. Watch out for the kind of things his friends do, he likely does the same. A man who is not a thief cannot be in close company of thieves all the time. If you are oppose to the kind of friends that he keeps, some day he might have to choose between you two; are you sure he will choose you?

13. How are his friends. He that walks with the wise shall be wise, and the companionship of a fool leads to destruction. Show me your friend and I will tell you who you are. Do not be deceived, evil communication corrupts good manners. If he continues with people who are in a particular trade, someday he will join the trade.

14. what does he talk about when you are together? Does his words complement his actions, or he is the type that says one thing and is actually acting in the opposite direction? Do you know where you are going with him in the relationship? Are you sure you are not the one fantasizing about having a serious relationship or your marriage to him? Has he openly told you that he wants you both to be a couple or he just loves your company and maybe the free sex you offer? A man that made no promise to you is under no obligation to fulfil what he did not promise no matter how you feel. Sometimes ladies feel that hanging around a man long enough puts that man under obligation to settle down with them. Beloved, that impression is very wrong. From the very first moment a man goes out with you, he already knows what plans he has in mind. Yes, things might change for the better along the line, but it can also change for the worse especially if you have some bad characters.

15. What is his attitude towards money? There are people out there that money is their god, they can kill themselves just because they do not have money in the pocket. Most people that become excessively restless each time they come to be in need of money are addicted to drugs or something of the like. Find out how he behaves when he does not have money in his pocket, a few days without money in the family should not generate enough storm that blows love and family away. Some men also are only humble when they don't have money, but the moment some coins land in the pocket, their tiger will begin to bring out its claws, you won't even know him anymore, they cannot be sober anymore until that money has been exhausted and they return to square one.

16. Is he liberal or stingy? One difficult person to live with is a stingy person, who can see his friends and family suffering and with money in his pocket, yet he will do nothing. A stingy person cannot buy you something nice, and even the one you buy with your own money is a problem, the money should have gone into savings, and even the ones he claims to have been saving, you cannot see any tangible investment. You have to decide not to loose your mind when making out with a stingy man, to take care of your needs while you keep his balls.

17. Can he make savings and investment? Another problem as head of the family is one who cannot make savings and reasonable investment. He will spend all his earnings even before the pay check arrives. He borrows to spend and has nothing as investment. You are likely to experience rounds of financial crisis with this type of person. After marriage, he will likely want to spend your own money the way he does his; if you cannot put him to order, leave him alone.

18. Can he make a budget and stick to it? Is he financially responsible? Money is very important in meeting the needs of the family, be sure he is the type that can plan with his earnings, and will not put the family into rounds of financial hardship every now and then. There are some women that are spendthrifts, these need a financially responsible man, or the both of them will eventually live on rags. Sometimes you need a man that can tell you 'not now' and stick to it no matter how you whine and complain, you will see the wisdom of saving for the future tomorrow.

19. Does he gamble? Although some people do not see anything wrong in playing the game of luck once in a while; a man who wants to make a living from gambling at any level is a dangerous man to marry. A gambler has no future; you can see so much today and tomorrow it is all ruins. If you know you cannot not cope with such a life, be careful with such a man. A man who invests in Ponzi schemes is a gambler, he is greedy and a friend to poverty.

20. Is he medically fit? this involves genotype check, mental health check, communicable diseases check, physical fitness check, etc. make sure you go through rounds of medical checks together to be sure your marriage to him will not leave you with incurable diseases and that you both will not give birth to sick children. Giving birth to sick children will destroy your happiness and put you through serious sufferings. This is avoidable, so please avoid what you can. Mentally sick people are on the increase with the continuous failure of upbringing and broken families, sufferings and uncertainties has seriously increase the rate of anxiety associated disorders these days while trauma from social injuries has left many others broken and battered. Before you say 'I DO', be sure he is still mentally stable, at least.

21. What type of entertainment does he enjoy? The kinds of entertainment a man enjoys tells you a lot about his mental and spiritual state of health. If he likes things you do not understand and wants you to be involved in things you know are not for normal people, ask him why and investigate. There are men who only take pleasure in extreme and abnormal sports, many of such are sick in the mind behaving like beasts. you must be careful of such, your life is in danger, but it might not be much of an issue if the two of you want the same things.

22. Is he born again, religious or pagan? What is important here is that you are better off and will have more peace if you marry someone who believes in what you believe in, or at least believes in what you understand and can relate with. Do not be unequally yoked with an unbeliever. Do not enter the vehicle to take a journey with someone that is not going in the direction that you are going. At whatever point you discover that you are not charting the same course, you need to talk and reset you priorities or take out time to rethink your decision before it is too late.

23. What is his faith or creed? What is his standard for marriage? Does he believe in monogamy or polygamy? Does he believe in the sanctity of marriage or does he believe divorce is ok? Is extramarital affairs ok with him? A man will do anything he feels is ok to do whatever you think. Some marriages end up as slavery in disguise, you end up fighting all your life for what you will never own.

24. How does he demonstrate his love for God? Does he love God? does he read the Word of God and do what it says? Does he consider the Word of God a standard for life or anything goes for him? For any successful journey in life, the passengers must follow a road map that will take them to where they are going. If the Word of God is not the standard for your marriage, then what is? who are you following and to where?

25. Is he industrious or lazy? Not everybody must work in the mill, but some people are just too lazy to do anything to help their life. I have never seen one man that carried another man’s burden that never complained after sometime. No matter how much you have, it is good that you marry a man who can at least go out there to look for something to do to help his life and care for his family. A man with too much free time and no meaningful purpose will always create dramas out of nothing, avoid such.

26. Emotional health: Some people are emotionally sick, they are not capable of loving or having a healthy relationship. Find out if he had previous relationships and what happened. Has those relationships ended? how did he end the last relationship he had? What is he running from or desperate for? Some people cannot forgive themselves for what happened in their past and they cannot forgive others either. They are ruled by their past, they are so conscious of their past, they can never stop making reference to their past and they don't stop looking at you as if you want to bring back that past. Encourage such to seek proper therapy, don't enter that trap.

27. Is he well reported of in the neighborhood and work place? Have you visited where he lives and where he works? Be sure you know where he lives, visit the place and make sure you talk to two or three persons. Ask questions about him and who they think he is. Sometimes you may not get much, but one person might be willing to tell you the truth about him. His colleagues in the work place too can be a useful source of information. One question that people will not fail to ask you tomorrow when the deed has been done is, 'how come you did not know?' The signs were written everywhere, it was a known fact that he is a bad person, but how come you of all people, that wanted to spend the rest of your life with him did not know?

28. Is he considerate of others? Sometimes a selfish self-centered person may be a serious case. If he does not care about the feelings of others as long as he satisfies himself, this would be a very serious issue in marriage. See how you can reason out with him if you discover this about him. For some, it may not be their character, they may be trying to gather for a project. Whichever way, make sure you know what is happening. Love without giving is suspicious.

29. Is he given to rage or anger? One man you must avoid marrying is one who is given to angry bursts at every sign of provocation. An angry man is a dangerous man to live with; you never know when anger will push him do something that will end his life or even your life at worse. Any man that cannot deal with his anger must be avoided. Anger rests in the bosom of fools, do not marry a foolish man who has not control over himself and tomorrow you start posting stories that touch the heart on social media, that is if you survive and come out alive. I have heard several ladies say, 'he is the one i love, it is just that he has this problem of anger, whenever he is angry he always goes to the extreme'. Please encourage him to go for therapy if you discover on time, if he is not willing to change, find another.

30. What does he do for a living? Whatever the man does for a living, you are to be his first assistant. Does he have a dream or a vision? Can you connect with those dreams or vision? There are some men that will show up with some huge amounts of money and ready to throw it at you and you cannot tell how they came by such money. Any man around you that has more money than can be gotten by an honest means must be investigated. He could be a thief, highway robber, serial killer, assassin, ritual killer, prostitute, kidnapper, and the like. Any man who makes money dishonestly does not have a life, stay away from such if you love your life.

31. Does he demand to be sexually involved before marriage? Does he have self control? A man that lacks self control will be a disaster in marriage except he is delivered and transformed. Sexually transmitted diseases, the confusion that comes from adultery and fornication, and the woes that come from lying sexually with wrong people, ritualist, occult men and women and even marine agents, the pains, losses (both physical and spiritual) can only be imagined. He was dating and sleeping with your friend or neighbour, and then he sees you and leaves that one to propose to you, that is a disaster about to happen. A man who is promiscuous before marriage will be promiscuous in marriage except he is delivered. He can pretend, but not for long.

32. Is he physically or verbally abusive? An abusive relationship before marriage is a total and complete no for marriage. Whatever his reasons and excuses, if he can abuse you before marriage, when he is not even under pressure, he will probably kill you in the marriage. Physical abuse or abuse in any form is a serious danger sign, do not ignore it.

33. Is he sexually abusive or promiscuous? To be sexually involved with a man before marriage is a serious mistake and risk. You may not be the only victim, and he can leave you at any time with serious problems emotionally and physically. If you are exploring yourself to know if you are fit for each other, what happens when after all that you have done, he says he cannot continue? You were only experimenting, and the answer from him is no, and you are seriously damaged, can you live with that? Do not use your time of searching to damage what you will need ever after with men or women who don't deserve you. Be wise!

34. Is he keeping another relationship? Is he cheating with you? Any man that is cheating with you will keep cheating on you even after you marry him. A married man that is cheating with you and promising you that he will leave is wife and marry is only destroying your life, and I pray it will not be too late before you realise that. Marrying a man who is in another marriage or serious relationship with tangible commitment is welcoming a problem that may consume you.

35. Does he or his friends use drugs, alcohol, marijuana? Sometimes you may not see him use it because he may likely hide it from you. But if his friends use this things, he may not use all, but he is likely using one of them, find out which and see if you can talk him out of it before you say I do. Alcohol and drugs destroy families; so there is no need starting a family that will soon be destroyed.

36. Is he jealous or carefree? A man that loves you will somehow be jealous over you, he will want to know where you are and what you do at every given time. Just be sure he is not obsessive or possessive. If he does not care, he may not care; do not go into a marriage that you will end up being alone in the marriage. If he does not need you, walk away, the one that will need you will come around.

37. Appearance and carriage. It is a problem to be with a man who cannot afford to appear neat in the public or carry himself honourably. When you will have to avoid being seen with your husband or you cannot proudly introduce your husband because he looks like a rubbish bin, then the marriage will be strained. You cannot afford to live with an eyesore no matter his wealth. But if you see this and it does not bother you, please do not complain tomorrow, and do not leave him afterwards or God himself will punish you. If you do not like what you see, walk away now, or be prepared to live with it the rest of your life. Not everything that you polish will shine; if you think you can polish him up, try it now and be very sure before you say 'YES'.

Please kindly send your questions and comment and I will be very happy to attend to them.

Join us in the next lesson for another enjoyable moment together. Thank you and God bless you as you obey Him to do the right thing. Amen.

Shalom!

Pastor James Okon.